I used to watch a TV show called Blindspot with my husband. I liked the show, but he quickly found it ridiculous – too preposterous to waste time watching. He’s not wrong. The premise and nearly all the story lines are incredibly unrealistic. But I keep watching. And this season has been particularly moving as the main character, Jane, battles an enemy closer than any other: herself.
Jane is a “good guy” who used to be a “bad guy,” and in a recent episode, she finally began facing the horrible deeds she’d committed in her past. When her husband asked how she was holding up, she responded:
“I don’t know if I can do this. I thought I could close the door on my past, quarantine it, but I can’t. . . . I’m so tired. I’m tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of remembering. I just want to forget.”
Later, she confessed to a counselor about how she was overwhelmed by the things she’s done: “There are so many of them, too many to atone for. I don’t even know where to begin. And when I think about it, it just completely paralyzes me.”
Fortunately, I’ve never committed murder or treason or any of the many truly horrible things this fictional character has done. I’m guessing you haven’t either.
But I still know exactly how she feels.