When something bad happens, sleep becomes both an enemy and an escape. Climbing into bed after an emotionally draining day, I know that sleep will heal my body and my heart.
But often, I don’t want to go to sleep. Not yet. Not really. Because if I go to sleep, then I will have to wake up. And if I wake up, the world will be there. Waiting to pounce. Waiting to shout, “Nope! That wasn’t just a bad dream. It’s reality. It’s your life. This is happening.”
This is how I felt last night. Tired and knowing that the morning and the work week were growing ever closer. But unwilling to succumb to the escape and the healing, because what had happened yesterday was still going to be there when I woke up.
So I gave into my emotions, sobbing on Mark’s shoulder, getting up time and again to blow my nose, whimpering about the unfairness of it all. Knowing at the same time that I have no right to complain, because bad things happen to good people every single day. Knowing that, like my mother’s voice in my head still tells me, “Life isn’t fair, baby.”
Eventually, I had to go to sleep. And this morning, just like I knew it would, the world was waiting. But something had happened. Those few hours of sleep did refresh my soul, even if my body was regretting my childish refusal to go to bed on time.
And I remembered that God is still God. Who cares if the same heart-wrenching world is still here this morning? God is still here! And He’s still sovereign and merciful and good.
Last week, I started writing a post about going through the motions and lukewarm belief and standing outside the fire and how much I want to FEEL again.
The timing is interesting, because today I am most certainly feeling.
We found out yesterday that a good friend of ours has cancer. And I am feeling. Oh, how I’m feeling. But even though I went to bed afraid and angry last night, this morning is different. I’m still feeling. But I’m also believing. I’m believing God.
This post is linked to Blog Nosh Magazine’s first special-event carnival, which is sharing stories of hope this holiday season in support of the Tide Loads of Hope program, a mobile laundromat offering laundry services to families affected by disasters. Click on over for more stories of hope.
Oh yeah, and an update on our friend? After several weeks of treatment, including an extended stay in Houston, he is free and clear. In other words, he is healthy and God is good!