When something bad happens, sleep becomes both an enemy and an escape. Climbing into bed after an emotionally draining day, I know that sleep will heal my body and my heart.
But often, I don’t want to go to sleep. Not yet. Not really. Because if I go to sleep, then I will have to wake up. And if I wake up, the world will be there. Waiting to pounce. Waiting to shout, “Nope! That wasn’t just a bad dream. It’s reality. It’s your life. This is happening.”
This is how I felt last night. Tired and knowing that the morning and the work week were growing ever closer. But unwilling to succumb to the escape and the healing, because what had happened yesterday was still going to be there when I woke up.
So I gave into my emotions, sobbing on Mark’s shoulder, getting up time and again to blow my nose, whimpering about the unfairness of it all. Knowing at the same time that I have no right to complain, because bad things happen to good people every single day. Knowing that, like my mother’s voice in my head still tells me, “Life isn’t fair, baby.”
Eventually, I had to go to sleep. And this morning, just like I knew it would, the world was waiting. But something had happened. Those few hours of sleep did refresh my soul, even if my body was regretting my childish refusal to go to bed on time.
And I remembered that God is still God. Who cares if the same heart-wrenching world is still here this morning? God is still here! And He’s still sovereign and merciful and good.
Last week, I started writing a post about going through the motions and lukewarm belief and standing outside the fire and how much I want to FEEL again.
The timing is interesting, because today I am most certainly feeling.
We found out yesterday that a good friend of ours has cancer. And I am feeling. Oh, how I’m feeling. But even though I went to bed afraid and angry last night, this morning is different. I’m still feeling. But I’m also believing. I’m believing God.
This post is linked to Blog Nosh Magazine’s first special-event carnival, which is sharing stories of hope this holiday season in support of the Tide Loads of Hope program, a mobile laundromat offering laundry services to families affected by disasters. Click on over for more stories of hope.
Oh yeah, and an update on our friend? After several weeks of treatment, including an extended stay in Houston, he is free and clear. In other words, he is healthy and God is good!
Can’t get enough of Giving Up on Perfect? Subscribe here, follow me on Twitter and join my Facebook page.
Oh Photo, I’m so sorry to hear the news about your friend. Glad to hear you woke up refreshed and are feeling again. I hate it that life can be so hard and so full of pain. And I’m so very thankful for our Lord to help us through.
i am so sorry about your friend. sometimes life can just be so big and overwhelming. i’ll be praying for you and your friend.
oh stink. Stink stink stink!
What kind of cancer? What’s the hope?
We’ll be praying.
“thyphota”- sounds like a type of cancer! A very curable type!
Photo what a heart wrenching blog! I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Please keep us updated.
Thanks, all. You are sweet friends, and I’m thankful for your prayers.
My friend has sarcoma, but I don’t know what kind. What I’ve read online about it doesn’t sound good, but our God is bigger than WebMD. Our friend is planning to go to MD Anderson in Houston (excellent cancer hospital) as soon as possible. I’ll update you when I can!!
I’m sorry about your friend…and while I personally haven’t dealt with Cancer…specifically (friend or otherwise) I certainly can relate to your post. I relate to your feeling of despair, heartache, and having no control over the situation. For me it comes in waves. It may account for my momentary blocks of silence in my blogging…but I do have HOPE…and a FUTURE…and you and your friend do too. I have enough experience in the heartache department that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is my refuge and strength…an ever present help in trouble. And he doesn’t just watch me sob and cry my heart out…He sits beside me, holds me and is shedding tears of sorrow with me.
That’s a great image — thanks, Hip Mama. :)
WV: ungel — um… is that the same thing as washing your hair?
i totally “get” you.
i love sleep like it’s going out of style. but i completely stall getting there. there’s a false hope in sleeping, as though by morning things will be different. i also hate the lag time between closing my eyes and falling asleep. ugh.
i’m really sorry to hear about your friend…