When I was in high school, my mom read an article. It was about women and communication and I don’t know what else. What I know is that she was compelled to share something from that article with Smitty and me.
Or maybe it was just me, and then I told Smitty. I’m not sure. It’s been a while, so I don’t really remember. I just know that Smitty and I have never forgotten this little lesson.
The article – and my mom – said that when expressing sympathy, we should not say, “I’m sorry,” because that implies that we are somehow at fault. And when you’re talking to someone whose grandma died or who lost her job or who just had a bad day, do you really want to take responsibility for that situation?
No, of course not. So the article – and my mom – encourages women (who are the worst offenders of over-using the sorry phrase) to say instead: “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Warning: You must practice this before using it in real life. Because if you just say it offhand, you’re going to sound rude. Uncaring. Flippant. It takes work to use that statement and actually sound sincere.
On the other hand, sometimes apologizing is the right thing to do.
Last week, Annalyn was whining on our ride home from the babysitter. I’m pretty sure nothing was actually wrong. And I say that because I had offered everything from toys to music to silence to kisses to cheerful voices to a threat to pull the car over Right. Now.
Surprisingly, that last one was not what she was looking for.
No matter what was wrong, I couldn’t handle the whining. Not again. Not that night. And so I snapped. I hollered at my baby girl, “Stop! Whining! Now!”
Well, it worked. She did quiet down. And for a split second, I was satisfied, thinking I’d done the right thing by being consistent and all discipline-y. But in the very next second, I felt terrible. I had completely overreacted, and a few moments of silence isn’t worth treating my little girl poorly.
And so I apologized. I said, “Annalyn, I’m sorry. Mommy is sorry for yelling at you. I love you.”
Sometimes apologizing is the right thing to do.
The time I learned, five years later, that I had inadvertently hurt a dear friend? I apologized.
The time I misspelled the name of a prestigious award my company won – in dozens of news releases? I apologized.
Every time I realize that I was impatient with Mark or steered him wrong with (probably unsolicited) advice? I apologize.
Despite the reminder to not apologize for things that are not my fault, I’m not one of those people who refuses to apologize for anything. No. If When I hurt you, when I let you down, when I accidentally hit your car door with mine in the parking lot – I will say that I’m sorry. And I will mean it.
But some things I will not apologize for. I will take responsibility for them, but I will not apologize for them and therefore imply that they are wrong.
Values. Morals. Beliefs. Dreams.
Hmmm . . . one of these things is not like the other, right?
I think most of us have some values, morals and beliefs strong enough that we would not apologize for them, would not back down when challenged. Faith. Patriotism. Work hard. Tell the truth at all cost. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. They might take different shapes and colors, but we all have something.
For me, though, having a dream, a desire for more, a drive to be better, do more, get there faster is one of those things. I will not apologize for dreaming.
What are you talking about, Mary?
Well, thanks for asking. Now I don’t feel quite so bad unleashing a little rant on you. (Why did it take me so long to get here? I don’t know. That may be a deeper question. Or not. Maybe I just like to talk a lot.)
I have had seven jobs since I graduated from college. Eight years ago. Yeah, I can do the math, and yeah, that sure is a lot of jobs.
Has my career path been frustrating? Absolutely. Have I cried gallons of tears over my desperation to leave a certain job, to get a certain job, to just learn to love a job, any job? Oh yeah. Do I have to fight a tendency toward bitterness and despair (and possibly a little bit of melodrama) when I look at my resume or consider my uncertain future? Yep.
But you know what? I won’t let it win. I won’t give up. I won’t stop trying. I won’t stop looking for the right fit, the right job, the place for me, the thing I’m called to do. I won’t stop dreaming.
So if you are feeling the urge to tell me, “Just be happy you have a job,” or “There are a lot worse companies out there,” or my personal favorite, “You don’t like this job either? Have you ever thought that maybe the problem is you?” – don’t bother.
I won’t listen anyway.
What do you dream about?
Love this and I am right there with you. I don't write a lot about it {because several folks I work with read my blog}, but I know egg-zactly what you mean. And love you for it! We're going to find our perfect place to fit in this world doing what God has meant for us to do. Today it might be taking care of our 2 year + 1 day year olds. And that's okay. Tomorrow we might be writing books and that's okay, too.
No apologies needed. :)
"the right fit, the right job, the place for me, the thing I’m called to do."
The thing "I'm called to do" really struck me. Perhaps, dear friend, the calling is towards home where you never have to question if you chose the "right" job.
(Okay, commenting is weired b/c you can't see my face or hear my voice, but know this, my comment is not made in a spirit of judgement, merely a spirit of "maybe…")
:)
*weird
I so enjoyed reading this…I think you wrote it very well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this. I definitely over apologize! I'd just rather be safe than sorry, but it ends up really annoying people. :(
I think ultimately, no matter how "perfect" anyone's jobs may seem anyway…none of us will EVER feel at home or in a perfect enough job here on earth. Because this is not our home. It will never be good enough until we meet our Savior in Heaven.
I think that so long as you are working hard to glorify & honor him no matter where you are at, then you're doing the right thing, right now. You'll know the next right thing when it comes along.
p.s. I dream about what our lives will be like when we finally have kids. I dream about staying at home to raise them.
And in secret, I dream about being a movie star, haha!!! ;)
So interesting!
First your list of things that you wouldn't apologize for- so interesting! So different from my mindset! (Although Faith would be up there for me as well.)
Anyways, I agree with Rochelle in saying that no job is going to be perfect this side of Heaven. God "calls us" to be like Jesus whether we're stuck mopping floors in the local high school, or asking if you would like fries with your order, or winning Nobel Peace Prizes (what was with that today? They couldn't have waited a few years?) I'm all for you finding a job that you love, and I totally think you should continue to do that. Perhaps if you didn't think about it as God's "call" on your life, you would feel less pressure to measure up to His supposed standards? (said the nicest way that can come out!)
For me, on this point, it's become rather easy (in an incredibly hard kind of way.) God hasn't given me the health to do any outside work, never mind being even able to take care of my children most days. What I thought was God's call on my life in terms of a career He has taken, and kept, away. My job, therefore, is to take my circumstances and be thankful in them, learning to be more Christ-like by His mercy and grace. I can't find anything more amazing, or more specific, in the Bible as to His plan for me.
My BFF actually unleashed the whole "maybe the problem is you" business on me a while ago. I feel your pain.
I think this is a sucky example of when God is trying to teach us shit. And you're learning perserverance (sp? whatever) and patience and strength. And someday, you'll be spending your days doing completely fulfilling work, and you'll look back and see that every craptastic job was an important stepping stone to what you were meant to do.
i just love your blog. i keep coming back here and darn it, i'm just going to subscribe already :-)
today, i'm dreaming about sleep. but i often dream about a less stressful life. and our house finally selling.
i'm sorry you don't like your job.
ok…. sorry but i HAD to say that! dang it i just can't stop! :-)
and telling your child that you're sorry = one of the hardest things to do. good job!
i love it when you rant. makes me feel less bad about my own rants. :D
"But some things I will not apologize for."
yup. me too.
faith. the way we raise our children. the way i look…srsly. morals.
yah…preach it girl!