If I did one of those word collage things for all the phrases I speak in any given week, I know which one would be the largest. “Because of Mark’s schedule…” I say that all the time!
A husband who works nights really cramps my social life, but it’s not the missed girls nights out that is my biggest complaint. It’s the fact that for the great majority of our time, I am – essentially – a single mom.
Now don’t get me wrong! Mark is a fantastic father. He loves our little girl like nobody’s business, and he can make her giggle – and listen – faster than anyone else on earth. But the fact that remains that his current work schedule keeps him away from home more hours than any of us like.
I’m not going down the pity party path, though. Not today. (This weekend – and every other time the words, “We miss you! I’m tired of doing everything myself! I didn’t sign up to be a single mom!” have been uttered – might have been a different story, though.)
Today I thought we’d kick it David Letterman style and list out the signs you are, indeed, a married single mom.
10. You don’t even flinch when a major appliance breaks, and you’re the one responsible for getting it fixed. Again. (Please tell me this was a hypothetical example, @AliciasTweeting!)
9. When your husband is home (and, in our case, awake), you might just arrange for him to be the parent who finds the dirty diapers, snotty noses, mysteriously wet car seat, etc. And you only feel a little guilty.
8. You don’t bother with the threat, “Wait until your father gets home,” because either you can’t remember when he’ll be home again or you know that by the time he gets home, you’ll have forgotten this – and most of the other – transgressions.
7. Approximately one hour after naptime, you begin calculating just how soon you can put the kids back in bed. As @mnmommy said, “Is 6:30 really too early?”
6. After another long day of entertaining and feeding your darling children, you find yourself thinking that Chuck E. Cheese sounds like a good plan for dinner. (Thanks to @DiaperDiaries for that one!)
5. Your daughter squeals and hollers, then looks at you and says, “I can be noisy, Mommy, because Daddy’s awake, right?” (Because working the night shift means sleeping the day shift.)
4. When it’s time to upgrade to a booster seat, you’re excited to save money by only buying a seat for one car – yours.
3. You pile everyone into the car to go to preschool – and then realize it’s Saturday, which is (unfortunately) just another day of full-time mommy duty. (So true, @feelslikehome. So true!)
2. You go ahead and buy your favorite snacks, because you can eat whatever you want after the kids go to bed. (Canned ravioli, @adriennemay? Really?)
1. Once you finally get the kids (back) into bed, clean up the dinner that you threw together and toss another load of clean laundry on top of the dryer, you can watch whatever you want on TV!
Whether your husband works nights, serves in our military or travels for his job, I know many of you are also living as married “single” moms. What signs would you add to this list?
This post will be linked to Top Ten Tuesday at OhAmanda.
A married single mom? I haven’t heard the phrase before, but know that you are in good company! I resonate with your top ten list for sure!
ok. this might be gross. but it’s honest.
my room, my bed, under the covers…smells good til my hubs gets home.
i’ll leave it at that.
hi, mary!!
Tam, I am so behind in replying to comments, but you have to know that finding this in my inbox first thing in the morning was a GREAT way to start my day! I hear you. Ohhh, I hear you. :)
Military spouses joke about how things break after the hubby leaves WITHOUT FAIL. For me, it was the water heater shortly after my husband deployed. Geez….what do I know about water heaters?
Oh yes…and then later some plumbing pipes broke!
I was VERY thankful my dad lived only 10 min away. :)
What a blessing to have your dad nearby when your husband is gone!!
I’m a real-life single mama and I would be ever so thankful for a husband that remained faithful to his family even if working the night shift. The extra responsibility of providing financially and spiritually as a single woman for three little ones, ON TOP of the all the heavy duty regular mommy work is almost unbearable some days.
Sure, it feels like you are going it alone some days, and we all deserve a break, but hug that man of yours, tell him how grateful you are for his support and then put in a DVD while you escape in the tub.
I’m not intending to sound critical – just know that some would love to have the “troubles” you describe.
Missy, I hear what you’re saying. And I have said many times that I truly don’t know how single moms do it! My husband may not be here much these days, but he does everything within his power to be an equal partner. Without that, I’m not sure how I’d make it. It’s a great reminder (especially for those of us who get frustrated with “not enough” husband time), and I admire what YOU are doing SO much!
Really, Missy? I applaud single mothers because the load is heavy, yet you make do. However, married women whose husbands spend the majority of time out of the home also have a full load. This post was not done to compare and contrast different situations; Sarah is merely venting and shedding light on what some of us married women face on a daily basis.
My apologies, I meant Mary, not Sarah.
After reading this, I stopped feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for putting it into perspective for me.
I have got to say…. Thank you Missy! I am married to a man who works 12 hour shifts, 3-4 days a week, rotating on 11am-11p, or 11p-11am and once a month he has a full week off….and sometimes it is beyond frustrating! On days he works he is either working or sleeping and I miss him a ton.. but by the time he’s done with that 4th day I’ve grown used to him being gone and actually kind of like being THE only parent. . then when he has his few days off, I start out being kind of annoyed with his presence.. lol.. but by the time it’s time for him to go back to work I don’t want him to leave! It’s enough to drive a person nuts!! I’ve gotten to a point that I either HATE him being around, or HATE him being gone, lol… and I had almost come to the conclusion that I HATE being a wife and would prefer to be single!! That’s how I found this thread, and your comment put it all in perspective… when it comes down to it I know I need to be more thankful and appreciate what I have! Thank you!!!
While it is nice having the financial support…. When you have a husband who thinks that is all he needs to do, tells you that nothing you tell him is important, can’t even put his stupid tablet down for 2 whole minutes to help your son make a s’more, or if you dare to show him something on the computer and he snarkily replies, ” well. I guess what YOU want is more important than what I am doing….” Then yes, sorry, I get to feel like a single mom.w. In fact, I am happier when he is not around.
I could agree more. My husband and I both work outside the home full time jobs. For his health he much work out, which he does 4-6 times a week. I am bitter and resentful that I do all the work with home and kids, while he is out doing something he enjoys and chooses to do. Even more so when he comes home and wonders why on earth I’m so stressed. Seriously! I actually prefer he be home until kids routines are done and they are in bed, and I am on my way there. I know he feels “neglected”, but I feel so much more than “neglected” I feel unappreciated and angry and it does effect our marriage and intimacy. I have even gone as far as to say when he comes home from a workout refreshed and feeling great….please don’r touch me I’ve just finsihed the marathong of nightly routines and I’mo exhausted and finally going to sit down and eat a bowl of cereal for dinner and go to bed. I’m not sure the best way to deal wtih it, when I talked to him before, he says he’ll help out but needs me to tell him what to do….and not just once, but everytime…you’re not my 8 year old..
I was a single mom and now I’m married. The grass isn’t greener.
I feel truly blessed to have a husband that helps me prepare bottles to take to daycare during bath time…only for both of us to then realize the next day is Saturday. I am extra thankful after my husband was in the hospital last week for six days (with an inflammed pancreas). I felt like a single mom. At that time, the house went to pieces, my five month old who had started on solid food was only given bottles because they are faster, and I survived on Lean Cuisine and Pizza Hut (a balanced diet). That made me appreciate my husband greatly AND single mothers!!! I have an entirely new respect. Kudos to Missy, Military moms, and all moms doing the best they can!
Sarah! I hope your husband is feeling better!! And yes, being a mom whose husband works long, weird hours has definitely made me appreciate single and military moms SO much more!
Love it! For me, the wife of a husband who travels a lot, I would add…
you stop being sad that he’s going out of town (AGAIN) and start looking forward to having the bed to yourself.
So funny! :) Thanks for my morning laugh, Mary.
i LOVE #1… now that ben is home a little more in the evening i’m dreading that he’ll pick “roseanne” to watch on netflix instead of my “scrubs.” and not kidding on the roseanne thing…
Oh, Ben. Just…really? Roseanne?
You only seem to be productive when he is NOT home and know that his first day home/off/awake during the day is the day you can get NOTHING done ;)
Oh my gosh, Tammy – SO TRUE. And for us, even though he doesn’t work on Saturdays, he has to sleep for part of the day because he’s been working all night!
I can so relate but than it throws me off routine
Yes Tammy! Exactly!
Love it! I never heard another mom talk about being a “single” married mother. My husband works nights, different shifts each week and works up to 14 hour shifts each day…so I am more often than not “on my own”.
I really am blessed that he works as hard as he does so I can handle everything else, many kudos to moms who are just “single” period.
I hear you on those long shifts. And up until a couple months ago, Mark was working a different shift, often every day. It is definitely not fun – or for the faint of heart!
I love seeing him in the am and saying see you 2mar. It gets lonely sometimes than other times your so used to them being gone when their home it’s extra dreading work lol get the socks in the basket please
As soon as I saw the title for this post I thought “That’s me”. As a pastor’s wife I am responsible for the kid’s MOST of the time. There is always a construction project and with a small church like ours they like to tap into hubby’s handy man skills as much as possible and these projects take forever. He is always already at the church early for any meeting so it is up to me to get the kid’s ready and go to church alone and since he works many nights and weekends I can’t be involved like my friends. I am very grateful for him, but I do feeling like a single mom a lot of the time.
I do NOT envy those Sunday mornings alone. I think that’s a time that is so attacked anyway, and doing it alone? Yuck!!
Oh man… your post is so funny and so are the comments. So many of us women can relate. I can totally agree on the comment where not worrying if he is going out of town again because it only means I get to the the bed All To Myself… awwww.. it’s the only sleep I get because he snores way too loud.
Yes! I can’t believe I forgot to include that myself. I LOVE having the bed to myself!!
I feel ya on the single married life – not fun. Love the mommy gig, but I signed up for a two parent household and yet the Bubs and I have been on our own in another state on a job hunt for 6 months! So grateful to be going home soon so I can sleep in! And see my husband, of course:)
Six months of being separated by states is a LOT! I’m glad to hear you’ll be going home soon!!
I confess I am with adriennemay and when I am home w/o spouse I eat Spaghetti-Os.
My DH has a work event on Thursday and I am practically in hives thinking of having to be a single parent ONE WHOLE DAY. How do y’all do it????
Well, you know, I’m a saint and a superwoman. HAHAHAHA! That’s maniacal laughter, of course, since (as you know) I lose it on a very regular basis!
LOL! I didn’t know there was a name for my life! Oh, how I can relate. Thanks for visiting me at A Season for All Things. I’m your newest follower and look forward to reading more of your posts. ~ Ellen
I’d made the comment that I feel a bit like a single mom even though I’m married, and then I read a magazine article that used this exact phrase. I thought, too – I didn’t know there was a name for this!
This is awesome and so, so true. The biggest blessing about having a husband who travels is having nights just to myself. I can eat whatever I want, watch whatever I want, stay up as late {or go to bed as early} as I want. The worst thing is when he’s been away for too long and these nights suddenly seem empty and way too quiet.
Also, when my husband is home, I tend to wait on the couch until he gets up to clean up a poppy potty and butt. Even if it’s the third time that day and especially if he says “do you want me to get this one again?”
I don’t normally “feel” the emptiness and quiet of those nights, but once Mark finally gets home, I talk his ear off because I finally realize, then, how lonely I’ve been without him!
Lol I always say are we agreeing to a lazy day
This is GREAT!! Military here (whose husband is deployed but when he is not then he works 18 hour days) so yes, I totally feel like a single married mom. And all these ring so true so often.
The last one made me laugh because I completely feel that way but then end up only being able to watch like 15 minutes of a tv program because I am SO tired!
I’m a night owl, so the after-kid-bedtime hours are my favorite time. Now morning? That’s when I’m SO tired and can barely function! :)
I’ve felt this way when my husband was still in the military. I had been a single mom for 10 years so being on my own came naturally. When he was home again, it was great, but took a lot of time to get used to.
So great.
I hear ya on every point!
Love my hubs….but this busy season, is for the birds.
:)
Great Sunday Best Post.
Mine doesn’t work an odd shift or anything; he just works 6 days a week, usually 10 to 12 hours a day. I try really hard not to complain to him; his paycheck is allowing me to be home with our kids.
But it’s still hard.
I love it! I am seperated but we get along great so he visits when he can. We are trying. When my husband and I did live together, he was NEVER home. He is also military so he deploys as well. I can relate to each one of these. #8 is great!
Tiffany, thank you for sharing that. I hope you and your husband can continue working on your marriage, even while you’re apart. I can’t imagine the burden deployment takes on a relationship!
I am so grateful to find others like myself. My husband works 12 hr nights at a warehouse. And while the money is good, I hate his job. I raise a soon to be 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. I can’t get laundry done while he sleeps on our bed bc that’s where I fold it. I have severe depression and no health insurance. And everytime I try to clean, my 3 yr old is making a mess somewhere else in the house. I love my kids but his job is making me think of just leaving somedays. My thoughts haunt me. Earlier was the episode of my husband left his cigarette tobacco out, and my son dumped it everywhere! I was so frantic I went into another panic attack. Then the vacuum breaks whilst cleaning it up. I give up!
Samantha, I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. Raising little ones mainly on your own IS so very hard, I know!!! I’m wondering…does your husband’s job offer an Employee Assistance Program? My husband and I have used an EAP to get counseling a couple times, and it’s made a world of difference for us. If your husband’s job offers that, it may allow you to talk to someone about your depression. Even if it doesn’t, it might be worth penny-pinching in another area to make room in the budget for it. I know for me taking control of my thoughts, replacing them with gratitude and scripture, helps change everything. Praying you can find relief and peace with your husband and your circumstances!
I work 8-5 M-F and am the primary income and he’s a close second but has to work 8-8 M-S. Our 13 month old just started a kids academy. Just got first major ear infection. Today us Sunday, his one day off. It’s been full of errands and rest as my sinuses aren’t great either. I’ve also got a severe hip problem so talk about an adjustment. Now I feel like a FT single working Mom with a husband who used to stay home FT both physically and emotionally gone. It’s going to be great financially but it’s on 90 day probation. I need to give up on perfect. I wanted his attention today and to watch a movie. I am now trying not to bellow in despair in between snot plunging.
Sydney, I’m so sorry to hear about your struggle right now! I definitely understand the tension between relief at financial provision and frustration or even despair at a difficult schedule and lack of time together. Even after so many years of opposite schedules, my husband and I have a hard time figuring out the day to day at times. The only “trick” I know for surviving is to keep trying to figure it out together. When I remember that we’re a team – not on opposite sides! – it makes dealing with this a lot more doable. Easier said than done, I know, but worth the effort (when I remember to put in the effort!).
It might be selfish but it’s comforting to see I’m not the only woman out there that feels this way from time to time.
My husband works 12-16 hours a day, 80-90 hours a week, 6 days a week (sometimes 7 days and sometimes more hours) he is an amazing dad…when he can be. The hardest thing I think is feeling lonely and missing him so much. Also the fear that my daughter will be affected. With baby #2 on the way I fear that I might not be strong enough to handle a full time job and two kids. I know that 99% of the parenting will be my responsibility and I’m terrified that I’m not cut out for it.
Financially it’s awesome that he works so much because we can do whatever we want but if he’s not here we never get the chance. I would trade the money for just a few more hours a week with my husband.
One thing I notice is that my daughter and I call my our bedroom “mommys room” and it’s “mommys bed” I always try to correct myself but it’s been this way for so long that it’s the reality.
To all moms out there, I think we are all amazing! Single mom, married or not.
Sharlotte, it’s not selfish at all. There’s power in hearing, “me, too”! If it’s any consolation to you today, I was very anxious while pregnant with our second baby, too. She’s now 19 months, and life is never simple or easy, but we are making it. My husband and I have committed to fighting together – instead of against each other, so we keep figuring out what works for us, for now. Praying you and your husband can do the same!
I totally get this post! I am so tired today. I was a single mom for 4 years and I got married, I’ve been married for 3 years and we have 5 children and no the grass is not greener on the other side. I love my children and my husband is a great father, but being a great father and not a great husband kind of sucks. Yes we try and make excuses for our husbands because they provide but when we both worked full time guess who still did ALL the house chores without complaint? You guessed it. But when he does the dishes once he wants a trophy. I think sometimes single mothers, and other women who don’t know a clue about being at home all day with bratty little angels, doing all the laundry, paying all the bills, taking children to their doctors appointments, making runs to the store, cooking dinner, doing hair, brushing teeth, cleaning out cars, cleaning rooms, putting together dressers, fixing toilets, cleaning out pack packs (should I go on?) Place judgment too easily. It is HARD being a wife. I have two hands not ten. And for a man to come home and think he has the right to sit down and watch sports and I haven’t even had time to brush my teeth! TUH. Sorry for all these errors, Im just over everyone thinking a women is supposed to do EVERYTHING because the man WORKS. WELL WHAT DID I DO ALL DAY FOR FREEEEE??? sorry rant over lol
Hi Mary…. I am the definition of a married single mother. My husband and I both are Active Duty Soldiers. And while we both work my kids are in daycare. I dress my three children every morning and drop them off, while he dresses only himself. After work I go pick them up. I cook them dinner share our their food. Wash the clothes. Give baths and well my husband plays his video game and complains about me not packing his clothes right…So lady thank your lucky stars for whatever little help you do get.
I very much wish I could find one positive thing to say about being a married single mom. Sadly I don’t and this is just terrible! Found this while searching for some type of support. I should leave him, but it goes against everything I have ever believed. I had dreams once, he has broken me to the core.
I feel relieved that I am not the only person feeling that way. I am constantly tired and frustrated that I have to do everything on my own. At least I am not crazy for feeling this way. I feel resentful towards him, because when we got married I did not expect to be a single mother with 2 kids and a husband who is never home. He works ridiculous hours. I have a full time job as well, so I don’t even know what it feels like to be fully rested or even sleep in. It takes a lot for me to not complain, but sometimes it is better to let it out. Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel less crazier… Good luck to you all