Gonna be a long night. It’s gonna be all right . . . On the night shift.
When I first started blogging, I ran across a blog that titled every post with a song title or lyric. I loved it – and was so jealous I hadn’t thought of it first. I didn’t realize how big the blogosphere is back then . . . or how hard it is to match every single post with a song.
Though I didn’t make the commitment to give every one of my posts a song title title, some posts just cry out for a musical reference. (Okay, truth be told, a LOT of posts do. But I try to restrain myself. Really, I do.) And today’s post is certainly one of them – and the reason I have had the Commodores’ Night Shift running through my mind for the last week!
For the record, that link will take you to a YouTube video. Of the Commodores. You KNOW you want to watch it.
Anyway.
Two years ago, I wrote a post about the top signs you’re a married single mom. Several of you chimed in with examples of your own, from fixing or buying major appliances on your own and putting the kids to bed uber early after a long day to controlling the remote and enjoying your favorite snacks.
Since one of my friend’s husband started a new job – on the night shift – a few weeks ago, I’ve been wishing I had more helpful tips for her. But even after living with this type of work schedule for a few years, we still don’t have it figured out.
Sure, we know now that black-out curtains are a lifesaver and that it is actually possible to catch up on or store up extra sleep. We know that it’s not my job to wake up my husband every day – and trying to do it anyway just makes us all miserable. I’ve realized that picking up the house before Mark wakes up helps us both feel more sane, and he tries to remember not to promise anything that depends on him waking up at a certain time.
But on weeks when we both have early morning meetings (which leaves nobody to take Annalyn to preschool) or weeks when family drama and holiday plans interrupt sleep and work and dinner {and did I mention sleep?}, nothing works quite right. And the minute we let our guard down and stop working at making this work, sanity (and contentment and general happiness) go out the window.
I still find myself learning over and over that carrying around expectations is the fastest way to an argument. And then I find myself wondering when I’ll learn it for good, because the lesson hurts every time.
I’m still learning to be thankful for the small moments: the family snuggles in bed when he gets home before the alarm in the morning or the laughter after a dinner eaten together, when we actually manage to do something other than eat and run.
I’m slowly becoming more intentional every day, looking for the positive (and speaking it) and letting the little things go (when I can).
But you know what? The truth is that surviving life with a spouse who works the night shift (or who takes business trips or who is deployed overseas or who takes evening classes or who is on call every day of the year) IS HARD.
So let’s share some tips and help each other out. Because, as the Commodores reminded us (you’re welcome for getting this stuck in your head, too), “I know you’re not alone, on the nightshift.” Living with someone who works weird hours can feel pretty lonely, but we’re not alone. How do YOU survive the night shift?
Touch my heart…. My husband travels ALOT!! When we first got married and had kids I was actually jealous of him, traveling being alone, he was jealous of me, able to stay in pj’s all day. It is so HARD when one works different shifts or travels or is in military. Taking turns with friends to get a break, joining a gym with a childcare:) so you can get a workout in, peapod for food when the little ones our sick. Library story times, and our mall has an indoor park area, they could run around in yucky weather. Just some things I did:)
I don’t have any tips, because our lives have been turned upside down and over again so many times over the last decade + that we haven’t gotten to settle in to any one schedule or system yet. In the time we’ve been together, my husband has been (and gone through academy’s for) an EMT, Fireman, and Police Officer (and Deputy Sheriff, and School Resource Officer – with training trips out of state). And I have to travel out of state on business about 4-5 weeks a year as well. Oh, and in that whole mix, I flew to Minneapolis on business and he nearly died in a car wreck that brought me back home on a redeye and radically changed our lives forever. (long story that I still need to unpack and tell over on my blog – but the short end of it is that God was in that car with him, and carried us each step of the way and gave us an awesome and amazing story of His healing and peace and comfort to share with the world!). Anyway, hubby is now back to work, and at this time he has no set schedule. On a normal week we will find out Thursday what he works the next week. And that schedule can be nights, days, split shifts, weekdays, or weekends. Every. Week. Is. Different. And there is no way to plan (did I mention I have a neurotic need for a plan!?!). We’re blessed that he got placed onto a post for the next 5+ weeks that has a set schedule, but it does put him away for overnights 3 days a week. It is hard sleeping alone. And it is harder knowing that we come and go within 30 minutes of each other, but that we won’t actually see or touch or hold one another for 3 straight days. But we trudge on through and know that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, and give all the glory to God for giving us this job and this life and this love to share! :)
Hi Mary. I work in TV News. For years I worked the overnight shift. But I wasn’t married yet, so it was obviously a lot easier being that it was just me. One thing that helped me was eating the types of foods for my breakfast/lunch/dinner that made sense for the meal that they were for, not the time at which I was eating. For example, I ate lots of eggs and pop tarts at 11:00pm, and Lean Cuisines at 4:00am!
Another thing that really helped me sleep was getting a Temperpedic Eye Mask. That sucker was like $40, but it was SO worth it. It totally blocks out ALL LIGHT, and it’s super comfortable.
I just got done with a 2 year season of travel, covering the Presidential campaign. I always took one of my husband’s T-shirts sprayed with his cologne on it to snuggle with on nights that I was at a hotel. I also cooked crock pot meals, sometimes doubling up so that he could still have home cooking when I was away. On nights that I was returning from a trip, he always made sure to have our apartment straight and order dinner so I wasn’t walking back into a stressful situation.
I know my tips are kind of obvious, and like I said, not really for someone in your exact position (since I was single when I worked overnights, and I was the one traveling, not the one home, and on top of all of that, we don’t have kids yet!) but maybe they can contribute to the dialogue. I enjoy your blog!
Wow. I was just thinking the other day… I would give my right arm (well, maybe not) to have an online community of gals in the same life situation. I need help and tips on how to survive… And wow… I’ve used the term “married single mom”! Maybe it should be trademarked! LOL!
My husband recently took a job with the railroad. His station is in town, only a few blocks from our house, which is nice. Only, being low man on the pole, he has to work the unwanted shifts. Not to mention, they are trying out a new rotation thing where his shift changes every 3 months… and this will continue for the next 4 years. (sigh). So, where we’ve had to learn how to live with him working 3rd shift and I work a full time 9-5 career (and we have a 2-year-old), it seems like, just when we get the hang of it and have some sort of balance in schedules, his shift changes and we are putting the puzzle peaces back together.
I try not to gripe too much about it, as, I’m so thankful that we both have well-paying jobs and we can provide everything my son needs and then some… but… there are days when I would gladly give up a paycheck to have some sort of normal family life.
I don’t have a recipe book of tips and tricks on how to make this lifestyle work… we’ve only been living it for a year… but I’m so thankful to have found this post and hope to connect with others in the same boat. THANKS!!!!
-Les
My husband is a forest ranger, and part of his job is fighting forest fires. For the first 7 years of our marriage, we lived in an area with a lot of forest fires, so this meant him working long hours and odd hours. He worked 30+ days in a row (including weekends), 12-16+ hours per day. There were weeks when he worked 100+ hours. Those times really took a toll on both of us, especially after we had children. We were thankful that for us, it was only 5 months out of the year that our lives were this way, but it was still tough. The lack of time together, loneliness, worry, and stress really added up.
For us, one of the biggest tips is just to try and practice compassion/sympathy/empathy. It really is so basic, but in that situation it’s easy for him to think that he’s got it worse because he’s working so much, and easy for me to think I’ve got it bad because I’m home alone with 2 toddlers, practically a single mom for those months. While he did come home to sleep (usually), that was pretty much it. Otherwise I was on my own. And in a situation where 2 people each can only see THEIR own stress and problems, it’s not a good one.
So, for us the biggest thing was just to try to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, and see THEIR problems and stresses instead of our own.
Finally, patience was a key ingredient for us as all that stress can lead to short tempers…lol
Alrighty, here’s a topic I know about! My husband is a state trooper and is on 12 hour night shifts every other month. As an introvert, I actually like night shift quite a bit. I like being able to have a few nights to get out if we want (my husband is a home-body), I like watching what I want, I like staying up later, I like not making a huge meal. But then, there are things I don’t like–me having to do mornings with the girls by myself, him not being able to go to church with us all the time, having to be quiet around the house when he’s sleeping, him being super cranky when he’s tired. I try to have a positive mindset about it…I love that he loves his job and I try to enjoy the time I have to myself and also with just my girls. Often, we call it a girls night and do makeup, nails, etc. when he’s not there.
A few things we do that probably aren’t rocket science…when he works, I make sure to do as much as possible the night before for our morning routine, on the weekends when I can, I try to leave the house when he’s sleeping, I make smaller meals or eat leftovers when he’s gone.
I’ve had this comment box open almost all day. Not sure if any of it made sense but I’m posting :)
The only way I survived working night shift myself was medicated! Especially during February here where it’s unbearably hot during the day. Needless to say, I didn’t last long! Somehow I doubt sharing this was helpful – sorry!
Love! :-)
Love the Commodores! :) Sorry, I don’t have any advice, but I’d love more links to YouTube videos of your favorite songs.