Last time I was seven months pregnant, my boss called me into her office on a Friday afternoon. As many of us know (and as I recently heard again on a rerun of How I Met Your Mother), late afternoon on a Friday is often called “fire o’clock” for a reason.
I had no idea as I walked down the hall that my job was in jeopardy, so that thought never occurred to me. Honestly, I was afraid she was going to tell me to get some decent maternity clothes already, because the baggy stuff I’d been schlepping around in wasn’t cutting it professionally.
It turns out my oversized-but-not-maternity clothes were the least of my concern.
My boss asked me to sit down and then informed me that, due to budget problems, my position was being eliminated. In short, she assured me that they’d consulted an attorney and this decision was completely legal – and that I shouldn’t return after I had my baby.
Losing my job like that set off a domino effect of emotions – and possibly sent my blood pressure through the roof, causing me to develop severe pre-clampsia and, just weeks later, to find myself in an emergency C-section in the middle of the night.
[To be clear, I don’t blame my boss for having my baby seven weeks early, but knowing how much that job meant to me and how well I did NOT handle the loss of it, it seems likely – in hindsight – that the situation at least exacerbated an impending health condition.]
I hadn’t actually been in love with my job, though it was one I’d worked hard for and one I did well. I’d even considered looking for a different job, though partly because back then, that’s just what I did. (What? Your hobbies have never included reading, scrapbooking and job hunting? Just me, then?)
Still, losing my job hurt in ways I didn’t expect.
I expected to be panicked at the loss of income.
I expected to be angry at the way it was handled.
I wasn’t surprised to resent my co-workers who kept their jobs or to feel thankful for the longer-than-planned maternity “leave.”
Working part-time and paying bills with credit cards and praying harder than I had in a good, long time – these things weren’t shocking in the least.
But the overwhelming sense of loss, the foggy feeling of confusion, the grief of saying goodbye to who I thought I was – those things caught me off-guard. I didn’t realize, until that experience, just how tangled my identity was with my job. I couldn’t see – until it was blinding me with its clarity – how I’d poured my entire self, worth and all, into what I did to earn a paycheck.
And when writing about work-related things, I simply cannot resist posting this photo.
Because, really, every office has at least one clown, right?
Last night at my small group we discussed the difference between faith in the big picture (God’s going to win in the end; this will all work out eventually.) and faith in the short-term (I just lost my job, and it’s okay, because no matter what, God is good.).
When I was laid off from my job six years ago, I absolutely had big-picture faith. But even though I believed everything would work out eventually, I had no idea HOW. Even in my wildest dreams (because yes, I dreamed of a job, a career, a ladder, a fancy desk in that coveted corner office) I could not have imagined the twists and turns my career path would take.
Since losing that job, I’ve been underemployed (the technical term for taking a frustrating, entry level job nearly a decade after graduating from college because it’s the only job you’re offered and you have to pay the bills), I’ve chosen to be a stay-at-home mom, I’ve worked in ministry and I’ve worked from home.
Today, six years after seeing my dreams of corporate accomplishment and promotions and raises and general upward mobility dissolve, I’m happy to say that I have found my corner office with a view. It just happens to be on my couch, in my living room, next to a picture window looking out into my front yard.
I know myself well enough to know that this won’t always be enough and that I’ll pursue another dream probably sooner than later. As a matter of fact, I was up late last night weighing the pros and cons with Mark of a recent work opportunity that I’m not sure how to handle.
(And then [sidenote] up early – for me – this morning, because my phone blew up before my daughter woke up on this teacher work day. I could have ignored it, but, well, a large part of me still IS the job. So I got myself out of bed and went to work a bit earlier than planned!)
But for now, for today, I’m much happier with my never-could’ve-dreamed-it job than any career path I dreamed of years ago. The suits, the desk with the paper clips and bulletin boards, the office with the door and the motivational posters, the big paycheck and the recognition (my real currency of choice, as anyone who’s worked with me knows) – it was all just a fairy tale. A wild dream, a fantasy.
(And, again as anyone who knows me in real life can attest to, it was just ONE of MANY career-related dreams I’ve had and chased.)
But this real work life? The one I couldn’t have imagined, the one my recent graduate self would never have wanted? It’s way better than the one where I get up at the crack of dawn, stuff myself into business attire and sit behind an actual desk all day. THIS life is the one God created for me before I ever picked a major or applied for a job or sat in my boss’s office on a Friday afternoon.
And it is good.
What’s your dream job? Do you have it now?
This post is part of Giving Up on Fairy Tales, a 31 Days series. Make sure you don’t miss a post by subscribing to this blog. When you do, you’ll receive an ebook called Finding a Happier Ever After for FREE!
{Photo by 96dpi}
Please get out of my head now. Do you know how incredibly similar our stories are? It’s kind of insane. Also, I love you and will cheer on any dream God puts in your path to pursue because you are wonderful :)
I can’t get out of your head because it seems we pretty much share a brain. haha! :) Also, right back at ya! You are fantastic, and I am cheering you on all the way – no matter where it is God takes you!
What Crystal said, out of my head please :) I have been spending a LOT of time thinking about work, identity, calling, and passion lately. By far the biggest “hurts” in my life stem not from personal relationships but from sad endings (willing or not) of professional endeavors. It’s definitely a thought journey that’s radically reshaping how I’m job searching right now!
Oops, was I in your head? ;) What you’ve shared is interesting. When I think about it, it’s somewhat true for me, too. I guess I’d say that professional hurts and disappointments have been as deep or sustaining as personal ones. Not necessarily bigger, but possibly longer lasting. It’s easier (though not easy) to forgive a person than an organization or situation, I think.
I’m really not sure what my dream job is. I know what my dream life is- but not the job. The problem is I dream of having enough money to never have to worry about financial problems again (so… upper middle class I guess?) The jobs I think I would most enjoy involve a smaller pay scale- not jobs you’ll ever “get rich” with. So I’m really not sure where I’m heading yet. I’m going back to finish my general 2 year in the spring but after that I’ll just have to see where the wind takes me.
I’m not sure anyone these days never worries about money. As someone drawn to non-profit and ministry work, I can understand the tension between the desire to do that kind of work (or work that pays less than other work) and the desire to feel comfortable or provide for yourself and a family. I’m finally to a place where I’m satisfied with an income much lower than my actual earning potential, but it took me a long time to get there. Perhaps you’ll discover a compromise or solution as you finish your school in the spring?!
I have had my dream job and chose to walk away to support a husband and hope of future family. Since that time, I have worked semi-part time and could easily be described as underemployed…but it is intentional. I know I could work more hours, for more pay … but it would cost me my ability to give my best to my family. Right now, family is where I’m most needed (and I do go to the office everyday). So my job is fairly low stress, not very challenging but steady and flexible. It’s my dream schedule, even if not my dream occupation. I drop children at school and pick them up with enough of my sanity in tact to handle homework, play time and home-cooked suppers. Someday, I would love to increase my earnings … but for this season, this is enough.
“For this season, this is enough.” I love that. It’s taken me a long time to get there, but I’m so thankful to have learned that lesson now. And I love how your “right now” is a dream come true, even if it’s not every dream come true!
I had sooo many dream jobs! I wanted to be a P.E. teacher, Elementary teacher, a Dietitian, a Personal Trainer, and many many more similar careers. I was a Nutrition Educator for 5 years, which was right in my path of my dream job. :) That job lead me to the town where I met my wonderful husband. A year and a half ago, I resigned my job because of a new health struggle in my life. I knew I had to quit my job. I struggled emotionally for about a year. I continuously looked for part-time jobs, to keep me pleased by making some $$ and feeling needed in this working world. But this year, our Lord has opened my eyes with my appreciation of what He has blessed me as a stay-at-home-wife (soon to be stay-at-home-MOM!). Now, I LOVE staying at home! I cook A LOT (got to as a farmer’s wife!), clean a lot, have time for family and friends, budget everything very carefully, actually write thank-you cards and other cards, work at the farm (my husband loves my easy availability), create gifts, teach Sunday School, volunteer at youth Christian out-reach program, and sooooooooo much more! Yesterday, I told my husband how I used to not like staying at home, but how my heart has changed and how much I love working at home and that I don’t want to go back to a job out of the home. My husband smile and said, “Good, because I like you being at home.” His words felt soooo good! I’m sure he likes all of my help at the farm! :) I DO admit, a new routine has helped me to appreciate staying at home. I have started to record my jobs and my hours per day and per week. Looking at my hours feels good and achieving! On Tuesday I worked 12 hours and 9 hours today. I love looking at my hours and on all of my hard work off of my to-do list. That feels great! Yesterday (Wed), I only worked 2 hours. I was not feeling good and was overly tired (b/c of my health problem). And I didn’t feel bad for laying down for most of the day because our Lord has blessed me with a day I can rest to feel better later. :) Now, with all of the hours I’ve put into at home, I have no idea how I would get anything done if I worked full-time again! :) Sooo much stuff is get done at home and much more. :) However, I admit that if God opens a door for me to work out of my home, then I will. But for now, I am happy to announce my appreciation for staying at home and I look forward being a MOMMY! :)