Since I saw that a few days ago, I’ve found myself arguing with that person in my head more than once.
“Just because someone lives near her birthplace doesn’t make her sad!”
“Maybe she wants to move but can’t!”
“Maybe she lived all over the world before returning home!”
“Maybe she’s going to move as soon as God says ‘go’!”
“Shut up! You don’t know me!”
It’s possible I have issues with internal debates that will never, ever happen in real life. Possible. It’s also possible that I’m a little (LOT) defensive about the way my life has turned out compared to what I dreamed for myself years ago.
************
Last week I got a new [to me] car. That means I’ve spent the last several days figuring out how to maneuver the driver’s seat into a comfortable position, wondering why I can’t lock the doors except with the key fob, and choosing my radio station presets.
My old car stereo had five buttons and 10 presets. My new-to-me car stereo has six buttons and 18 presets. That’s a lot of radio to choose! For the first two days, I didn’t set any stations because I hadn’t settled on a strategy yet. Yes, a radio station preset strategy.
See, I knew my stations needed to be arranged by some sort of organization. Because I’m like that. But I couldn’t decide on what sort. Do I put them in order of frequency number, from smallest to largest? In order of most-listened? Or should I group them by genre?
Unsurprising to anyone who knows me, I did all of the above. My new presets are organized by genre, in order of frequency number. And the first round is my most-listened-to stations (all pop music), while the second set includes my second-most-listened-to stations (Christian, oldies and country).
The final stumbling block for me was admitting that a) I love pop music more than anything else and b) I listen to the teeny-bopper and dance music station enough for it to be my #2 preset.
Why on earth does that matter? Who really cares, anyway? (And, seriously, if someone cares so much, why is she in my car in the first place?)
************
In an episode of Hart of Dixie, one of the main characters got fed up with another one and told her that she was the saddest person he knows. He pointed out that she spends all her time and energy looking over her shoulder and wishing for a different life, instead of just admitting that the life she has, the life she’s chosen makes her happy. “If you’re not happy, change your picture. Or change your life,” he told her.
Granted, it’s not too often that you find nuggets of truth while binge-watching a goofy show from the CW. But I say when it happens, celebrate it! At least for one week, Hart of Dixie had more than snappy dialogue, quirky small-town charm and lots of pretty people to offer. It really did teach a lesson.
In so many aspects of our lives, we deny the truth of what really makes us happy, all in the name of living up to our – or someone else’s – expectations for our lives. Sometimes the issue is something significant, like where we live or what career we pursue. Other times, though, it’s the small things that we hide, like our favorite radio stations or love of TV shows on the CW.
Even in this world where geek is chic and obsessed fans are the norm, most of us are afraid to admit what we really enjoy, what we really like, what really makes us happy. We get so caught up in what we SHOULD like, do, watch, eat, wear, etc., that what we really deny is our own happiness by just doing what we love.
On Hart of Dixie, the character in question was actually happy living and working in a small town instead of doing groundbreaking research or saving high-profile lives in the big city. (And, side note, she is obviously happy “spending time” with the town’s hot bartender, instead of pining after the town’s boring lawyer. #TeamWade) But because she’d spent her entire life dreaming of being a top surgeon, it was hard for her to admit that being a family doctor is actually what she loves.
I think this mindset is a big part of being a perfectionist. I know it is for me.
How much time do I spend thinking about what I should have accomplished by this point in my life? How often do I stir up discontent, not because I’m actually dissatisfied with my life – but because of what I assume other people must think?
But like I said before, who really cares? Who gets to decide what’s cool enough or what’s successful enough – and why is he the boss of me? Why is he making me feel guilty about what makes me happy? Why am I letting him? (Or her. Obviously, the “they” that make these rules about guilty or not-guilty pleasures, exciting lives vs. boring lives aren’t one guy – and are often simply ourselves.)
This denying ourselves of happiness is not healthy. And it’s why I push through the embarrassment and write here about my messy, not-perfect life that doesn’t match anyone’s expectations – including some of my own. It’s why I don’t feel guilty about the things that truly make me happy – or at least I’m trying not to.
- I live within 50 miles of my birthplace – and other than the four years I spent in college – I have my whole life.
- I listen to pop music – the kind with Owl City, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift and even Justin Bieber – way more than I listen to “grown-up music.”
- I watch TV shows on the CW. And ABC Family. And I like them. A lot.
- I buy clothes at Walmart. Including that cute shirt that you said you like.
- I like to make macaroni and cheese with Cheese Whiz.
- I don’t regret for one minute leaving my career in public relations – even when I see friends get promotions (or peek at my measly 401K balance).
- I feed my daughter store-bought granola bars for breakfast. In related news, I could eat an entire box of Pop-Tarts or Golden Grahams in 24 hours. By myself. Because I love them so much.
- I was so excited to read the third book in a trilogy about teenagers and dragons that I bought it. I didn’t wait for it to arrive at the library. I bought it. It was terrible. And I loved it.
My list could go on forever, really. I’m not successful by most people’s standards. I’m not sophisticated or cultured or fancy or experienced. I’m not cool by anyone’s standards. And I’m okay with that.
What truly makes you happy? Do you feel guilty about that? Why?
This post was originally part of 31 Days of Giving Up on Perfect. For one month I wrote about my fight against perfectionism and my quest to get on with life, already. For more 31 Days, visit The Nester.
This post may be linked to these amazing carnivals and link parties.
I really enjoy jellybeans, bbc shows, NPR, funky tights, I used to feel, not guilty, but embarrassed. I tried to kind of keep it all under wraps to act more like a grown up. Now that I have kids and I’ve been married 10 years and I have turned 30 I definitely think I qualify as a grownup, jellybeans or not. It’s all out there now! The amazing thing has been that either people don’t care or they love the same things. It’s been so so freeing.
Great point – most people really don’t care about the things we’re so worried about hiding!
Here’s my somewhat embarrassing list (but you have inspired me!)
1) Smooth Jazz – I feel about 80 admitting to this, but it relaxes my mind while I’m helping kids with homework, fixing dinner, running laundry up and down the stairs, and a million other things that can be monotonous.
2) Hallmark Movie Channel (hmmm, maybe I am an eighty year-old in a 30-something body)
3) Walmart or Target clothes – because I love the convenience of being able to shop for groceries and wardrobe changes…not to mention the prices!
4) Having a routine and getting a lot done in a day that, to some, may seem restrictive or Type A, but it makes me feel good! I just tend to not talk about it much because I also admire those who are more relaxed and sometimes I’m envious of them!
So, I’m sure I can think of a dozen more at some point, but there it is. This was fun!
Smooth jazz? Nice! That is an excellent not-guilty pleasure! And it kind of makes me want to find some on my own radio dial!
I am not fancy or cool either. I guess that’s why I like reading your blog.
Solidarity, right?
My guilty pleasures….
1. People, Star, In Touch, and Ok magazines. I become very excited when I find them on the aircraft. :)
2. Reality TV. Real Housewives, Dr Drew Rehab, Sister Wives, etc.
3. I also really enjoy the Hallmark movies. They make me feel warm and fuzzy afterwards.
4. Pancakes…they always make me smile!
I love Hallmark movies, too. And, you know, pancakes. ;)
UGH! I have major guilt over a lot of things.
Guilt confessions:
I feel guilty when I serve leftovers instead of cooking a fresh homemade meal. Even if the leftovers were from a fresh homemade meal. How bad is that? Don’t even get me started on how guilty I feel when we go out to eat. But I LOVE going out to eat. Love. I honestly could eat out every meal. I don’t love getting there and how unhealthy it is and the money but I just love someone else cooking me food and it being so tasty.
On that note, I especially LOVE Taco Bell and feel major guilt eating there.
I love watching TV but always feel guilty when I spend hours doing it.
I love ice cream but always feel guilty for the sugar.
I love spending time with my friends at Starbucks but always feel guilty because I left my family. Don’t get me started on leaving for Allume!
I love all sorts of Internet-y things but lots of guilt of other ways I could have spent my time (organizing something, teaching my kids something)
OK I won’t take up the rest of your comments with all my neurosis. Just when I think I’ve beat my perfectionism, things like this come up! A lot to think on…
Hey, guess what? I love Taco Bell, too. :)
I don’t have cable, and I miss the Kardashians.
I like cotton undies (and I once wrote about it on my blog).
I go days at a time without washing my hair.
I wear grandlady slippers whenever I am home.
I am as far from cool and suave as one ce be, though I do consider myself fancy at times. =).
Oh, and I have lived far and wide, but would have treasured nothing more than to remain within 50 miles of my family. It is not fun to be distant, you’re gaining much more!
My oily hair is so jealous of your hair right now.
Your life isn’t boring unless YOU are bored, but it’s easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to others. Remember, other people’s lives always appear more fascinating because it’s one that you’ve never experienced.
I enjoyed the little facts that you wrote that make you who you are. I did that recently and had fun putting my list together.
I love that: “Your life isn’t boring unless you are bored.” Excellent point!
What a thoughtful, real, insightful post! I loved it! I relate to the perfectionist tendencies you described and am also a recovering perfectionist (insidious isn’t it!). One question: how does it take you 24 hours to eat a box of Golden Grahams? I can down a box in no time! ;-) Well done!
Haha – you caught me. Left to my own devices, I could certainly devour a box of Golden Grahams in short time!
Mary, I seriously think we would be best friends if we lived in the same zip code. I may have saved last week’s Hart of Dixie on the DVR so that I write down Wade’s speech to Zoe. (#TeamWade unite!) And the radio stations! Too funny! It’s like you were sitting in my car. Thanks again for the reminder to choose happiness. I need that constantly!
Of course we would be BFFs! Who’d’a thunk that Wade, of all the characters, would have a write-it-down-worthy speech!?
Oh my word. I needed to read this. So many times I sabotage myself and blame my unhappiness on my circumstances…but it’s really me not feeling free to be my real self. I love your list here-thank you.
Some of the happiest people I know have lived their whole lives in one small area. They have connections and relationships deeper than their own lifetimes, and if research about happiness has proven anything, it is that our relationships have a greater impact than anything else. I think mocking those who have not “moved away” is snobbery.
Golden Grahams are delicious! I like to eat oatmeal or cold cereal for dinner. It makes me happy. I will never be a gourmet.
At the grocery store, sometimes I choose the longest line so I have more time to look at the tabloids and celebrity rags – and I don’t even recognize most of them anymore!
Dear Miss Mary,
I am so glad that I found this post… it is just what I needed right now; such blessed timing. Being a young woman it can be very stressful at times trying to balance what I am doing, with where I think (or thought) I should be and what other people think I should be doing (which, like you said is 87.3% of the time is still us just putting expectations on other people expecting them to put expectations on us…). Thank you for the gentle reminder tonight to be happy and enjoy the little things that make me happy. GOD knows; I pray your day is blessed Miss Mary, thank you again.
This side of Heaven,
Summer Rae