When I was in college, a friend introduced me to the movie, Home for the Holidays. It stars Holly Hunter and Robert Downey, Jr., and it’s a fantastic film about the special brand of family crazy that comes out around the holidays. (It’s also a reminder that I had a soft spot for RDJ well before Sherlock Holmes or Iron Man. Well-delivered sarcasm and well-deserved snark are wins for me every single time.)
For a group of half-adult, half-child college students preparing to go home for a few days, it was the perfect way to simultaneously brace ourselves and acknowledge that, dysfunctional and stressful as our own families may be, at least they weren’t like the one we watched in that movie.
Not exactly like it, anyway.
It’s funny. I’d never heard of that movie before college, and I don’t frequently see it making any lists of “Best Holiday Movies.” I mean, FINE, it’s no Elf or White Christmas. But when the weather turns cold and cans of cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie filling move to the endcaps at the grocery store, I always think of that movie.
This movie – and the story behind it – doesn’t come to mind every holiday season because my family resembles the one Holly Hunter’s character has to face. (Well, not completely.) No, I always go back to those college memories because one of my friends who introduced me to the movie and its rightful place in my holiday prep routine hasn’t spoken to me in about a decade.
The story of how our friendship died is complicated and not one I’ll go into detail about here. The details really don’t matter, though. The point is that I lost one of my very best friends, and it broke my heart – and the days leading up to Thanksgiving remind me of that more than any other time of the year.
I bet you have a few people you miss all year long – but especially during the holidays – too.
Sometimes memories intrude on celebrations, making this season hard to handle.
The empty chair sticks out more. Or sits alone in the corner.
The room full of people feels quieter. Or louder.
The favorite dish has plenty left over. Or the favorite dish isn’t made this year.
The gifts go unopened. Or unwrapped. Or un-bought.
It’s hard to remember something to be thankful for.
Smiles look a little shaky. And tears are the uninvited guest that won’t leave.
Divorce. Dysfunction. Death. All of these things (and more) affect our families, our lives, our hearts. And though they hurt all year long, day in and day out, the holidays seem to bring out the pain like no other time can. On a day – or days – when we’re supposed to be all smiles and good cheer, our hearts crack under the pressure and the remembering and the missing.
I know. I’ve been there in the “it’s still so fresh, we can’t think about anything else, how can we possibly put on a good face this year” seasons. And I’m there every year when memories of losses from long ago and not so long ago join together to wage war on our determination to forge on and focus on the reason for the season.
Family and friends we no longer speak to – or who no longer speak to us.
Family and friends who died much too soon. (It’s always too soon.)
Family and friends who aren’t invited – or don’t show up.
Family and friends who moved away.
Jobs that were taken away.
Children who are sick.
Anyone who is sick.
We try so hard to fight for our joy, don’t we? We print out place cards and try the new recipe. We dress up our kids and bundle up for the long drive. We take photos and send cards and smile and chat and catch up and promise to call more often.
But underneath, many of us still carry wounds ripped open by the reminders of relationships and situations that are no longer. And it hurts. And it’s hard. And we’re not sure what to do with it all.
These hard things, these complicated relationships and challenging situations, can leave us in a bit of emotional paralysis. Unsure how to react without opening ourselves up to a monsoon of grief or anger or disappointment, uncertain how to respond without alienating or offending the people we love despite all the things that make family and friendship so hard, we might find ourselves in the same blank-faced or baffled boat as Holly Hunter’s character.
It’s just hard to navigate this stuff, especially when every store and station is blasting cheery tunes about the most wonderful time of the year!
Now, I’m not advocating that we stay in our pajamas, curl up with a turkey leg and a box of tissues, and decline all invitations in favor of a Pity Party for One. I’m not suggesting we ignore the blessings we have in front of us and spend our days off flipping through our photo albums and memories searching for clues about when it all went wrong.
No. I’m simply offering an acknowledgement – that the pain is real; a reassurance – that you can find peace and joy anyway; an understanding smile – and a hug that’s totally not awkward even if we’ve never met.
Sometimes the holidays make us sad. They make us happy, too – and it’s okay to feel both. But the sadness might still be there. And I believe that’s okay.
That sadness colors how we see what’s in front of us today – the family who can’t wait to see us across the table, the friends who don’t care if your pumpkin brownie trifle gets soggy, the children whose eyes light up with wonder and innocence – either the kind that’s truly not seen pain yet or the kind that can forget about it when faced with jingle bells and wishbones and parade floats made of flowers.
But while it can try its best to turn those beautiful gifts into bitter reminders of what’s missing, the sadness can’t compete when we remember that today is full. Full of pain, yes – sometimes. But also full of blessings and joy and things both big and small that God has given us to remind us of His love and faithfulness. Yes, even when the flip side is covered in reasons to crawl under the blanket with a bowl of mashed potatoes.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
(Psalm 34:18)
If the holidays are making you sad this year – perhaps the same as every year or maybe more than you ever imagined possible – I pray that you can close your eyes and feel it for a moment. It’s okay to do that. Really. But then open them to the good that is still around you.
And, most importantly, remember that the Lord is close. And He will rescue us from the sadness. Not with false cheer or denial or caroling or casseroles, but with the peace that passes all understanding and His joy that can be our strength.
Do the holidays ever make you sad? How do you deal with that sadness?
Take good care of you and yours! I think you are doing an amazing job juggling it all, so don’t be so hard on yourself!! Sounds like lots is being done and you are even sharing it on your blog. When you have small children and/or are pregnant there is never enough time in a day to get it all done. My girls are grown now and I often wonder how on earth I did all that stuff.
If I may be so bold as to say that you might want to take at least one pregnant picture for posterity. I have a wonderful picture of my full belly in all its glory that is now cherished. I had only taken it for my dear Nana to see and as it turned out she passed away right before I sent it. My daughter loves that picture now.
God Bless!
First of all… I goofed and my above comment goes with the weekend post… doh!
Since my Dad died in 2012 Thanksgiving and Christmas are not the same.. it feels like some of the traditions died with him. I think that is okay. We can create new traditions and find new ways to enjoy the holidays. It also provides the opportunity to make the moments count for the future when others with be gone. Thanks for a great post with an important reminder.
Enjoy your holidays
Blessings. You said it so eloquently.
A very close family member died almost three years ago in early December, and for the past two years I’ve gotten through the holidays by keeping my mind busy from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep again, and by pretending life is normal. I expect that’s what’s going to happen this year, too. I don’t actually know if I’ll ever enjoy Thanksgiving or Christmas like I used to, but I’m a big believer in fake it til you make it. So whether I ever start to ‘feel’ it again or not, this way beats wallowing, so that’s what I do.
I’m sorry for anyone who has a reason to feel sad at during the holidays, but I think if we’re going to live our lives, it’s going happen to all of us sooner or later. All we can do is keep going, keep trusting that God will get us through the harder days…same as he gets us through the regular days, and think about the rest of the people we love and care about. Put them and what they need ahead of what we need. And that’s where the pretending comes in. I won’t make life harder than it has to be for the people I love who are still here.
You’re right – this does happen to most of us at some time. Still, Kristy, I’m sorry for your loss and pray you can rest in Him and find peace this year.
I HATED the holidays as a teenager as I had to juggle divorced parents. I remember driving alone for three hours on Christmas Day and being so annoyed that the only music on the radio was Christmas music. It was horrible. I decided that Flag Day was my favorite holiday because no one cared about it. It was tough.
Sometimes these days that time period seems like a world away. Thank you for writing this so beautifully and reminding me that others are in the midst those types of feelings and situations right now. I hope your writing is a comfort to many.
Sarah, I’m so thankful that time DOES feel far away for you! (But so sad for teenage Sarah, too…) I hope today is full of family and fun and good food for you!!
The first day I listen to Christmas music each year it makes me cry. They are sad to grateful type tears. This has been going on been going on for 27 years so I am starting to get used to it and turn the initial heartbreak feeling into how grateful I am for God’s healing, how He has been so faithful and near, for my incredible family, and for the gift of Jesus.
Sally, you said this so well – the holidays bring up so MANY emotions, and it’s okay to let them swirl together the way you just described!
While so much about the holidays is joy-packed…there’s an element of grief attached. I usually don’t feel it outside of very quiet moments, and thankfully it doesn’t defeat me.
This is lovely, Mary. An acknowledgment and validation that sometimes, the holidays are not the most wonderful time of the year….
xo
(I know you’re not saying that necessarily, but for some, it’s true!)
Robin, that’s the perfect way to put it. The holidays AREN’T the most wonderful time for many of us, on many occasions. And forcing it just seems to make it worse. However, I do believe in Hope and pray that we can all find – and hang onto – that as we remember the good and the bad this year.
I thought I could just click over and read this and be OK, but now I am crying.
For many, MANY years, well into my teenage years, my mom always cried on Christmas Eve. While we loved Christmas, it was always painful for her. Her little brother died at age 5 right before Christmas, I think she was 11. It makes ME sad that Christmas will always hold that for her and her sisters and especially her parents, my grandparents. They still don’t do much celebrating around Christmas, 45 years later.
Thank you for the reminder that it’s OK to acknowledge her sad while still embracing the holiday.
Oh, how HARD, Jessie! I’m sad that your holiday has always had that cloud hanging over it – but YES, I do believe it’s okay to still celebrate while also being sensitive to her grief.
Now I am going to go listen to “Christmas Makes Me Cry.” And cry.
Is that a song? Wait, don’t tell me. I don’t even want to know…
I really don’t like the holidays.
I’m sorry. :( I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving anyway…
I googled “why are holidays sad for me”, and saw this with a web domain “giving up on perfect.com”. Perfect.
My Mom used to go crazy around Christmas time. She wanted everything to be “perfect” for Christmas and would fret and worry and . . .
Well, instead of making everything perfect, she made everyone miserable. If she ever could have relaxed, things would have been perfect however they were.
She is late now. She was very, very sick last December and we knew that she would be passing any day. My folks were out of state, and my Dad was terrific visiting her every day. Christmas came and I thought to myself “She won’t pass today. Christmas was too important to her. She’ll manage to the next day”. And I was correct. She passed on December 26th.
It wasn’t just the older generation took Christmas more seriously, but my Mom was physically abused as a child by my grandfather. For years, she lived in fear. So she always tried to make everything “perfect” because she was trying to keep my grandfather from erupting. Of course, nothing was ever perfect enough for a violent, sadistic drunk.
She brought these scars with her to adulthood. We could talk about it logically that this was where the behaviors come from, but that didn’t change who she had become. Just like you can talk to someone who has a fear of flying that air travel is the safest form of travel, but when they step on a plane panic still takes over.
I love my mother dearly. It’s just ironic that her attempt to make everything “perfect” had the opposite effect.
Oh Lee, I’m so sorry to hear about how hard the holidays were with your mother – and for your loss, too. I pray that you’re able to break that cycle and enjoy imperfect but peaceful holiday traditions with your own family now!
Mary,
Thank you for acknowledging that some of us have pain. I try so hard to put on a happy face because people don’t understand the grief over my missing sons and the dream of a loving family. I tried hard to make memories, but my ex-husband is mentally ill and he has torn the family apart. My parents, and most of my extended family is gone now. I never understood how hard it could be for people during the holidays. I now know the pain and loss and I grieve for every single person who is hurting.
I rejoice in the Peace that passes all understanding, but it doesn’t take the pain or the scars away. He knows that. Thank you for sharing and for understanding.
In His Love,
Clara
Clara, I’m so sorry to hear about your family situations. I can only imagine how hard the holidays feel. You’re so right that knowing and resting in God’s peace doesn’t necessarily take away the pain. Praying joy in your holidays and understanding family and friends to surround you…
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