I got in the car, mad and looking for a fight. Since it was just me and my temper on that ride, I smashed the buttons on my radio like that would solve all the injustices of my world. I needed angry music.
Hoping for Pink, but settling for the Beastie Boys, I slouched in my seat and scowled. As the Beastie Boys faded into Billy Idol and then slowed down into Billy Joel, I rolled my eyes. C’mon! Could nobody play some good mad songs? Don’t they know I’m throwing a tantrum here?
I took a deep breath. And another deep breath. I knew I was acting childish, but I didn’t care. It’s not fair! I did the right thing, I did what I’m supposed to. And am I rewarded, recognized, patted on the back? NO.
As a matter of fact, I was punished after doing all the right things. Barely, but still. That’s practically the opposite of being rewarded.
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I pitched this fit after my weekly weigh-in, when, after a week of tracking all my food and working out four – FOUR! – times, I had a tiny gain. I went in to my meeting expecting a big loss. And as I saw the scale settle on that hateful number, I couldn’t help myself. I felt the tears spring to my eyes and my blood pressure soar, and then I heard my voice.
“But I did so goooood this week!”
Yes, I not only whined but I also did it with poor grammar. *sigh*
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Much as I’d like to distance myself from that childish outburst, I can’t. That girl who whines about not getting what she wants, what she deserves, the brat who curses her non-satellite stereo playing easy listening songs at the moment she needs heavy metal – she’s me.
I might keep her hidden most of the time with my positive outlook and encouraging words, but she’s always there. And she’s ticked.
The day before my disastrous weigh-in, I argued with my husband. Nothing big, but nothing new, either. As we talked about our schedule and our budget, he made a comment justifying his job and its long hours, implying [in my mind] that I’m not appreciative of him.
After breathing deep for a minute or two, I reminded him that I am very grateful for his job and his dedication to working hard and providing for our family. And then I launched into a speech he should have memorized by now about how I’m not complaining and anyone else might complain and I want to complain but I don’t and have you noticed how awesome I am and why don’t you ever tell me how awesome I am!
I said to him, “I’m not asking for a trophy or anything, but some recognition would be nice.”
But you know what? I do want a trophy.
[And, yes, I did turn that conversation about him right around to me.]
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I am highly motivated by recognition, and words of affirmation is my strongest love language. But I’ve been thinking lately that maybe I need to quit looking so hard for approval, take a break from longing for pats on the back. Because it seems like I spend a lot of time feeling frustrated or underappreciated (or, in the case of my weigh-in, totally ripped off), and that can’t be good.
I’ve even been thinking about this in relation to my One Word for 2012 (obey). Over the past several days, I’ve changed my prayer from, “Please give me the strength to obey” to “Please help me obey in love.” I’m realizing that I do a lot of “good” things out of fear or my need for approval and recognition, when really, I should be doing them out of love.
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This isn’t really a fully formed realization; it’s more like a collection of random thoughts that kind of go together. I’m still working through it and figuring out where this tendency affects my life, when it’s okay and when it’s actually hurting me or holding me back.
By the way, when I got home after searching for some music to rage to in the car, I pulled up my Pink Pandora station. And the best it came up with was a little Evanescence, Sara Bareilles and Maroon 5. Who I like. But still, when I need angry music, I need angry music!
Are you motivated by recognition? Have you ever noticed a pattern of obeying out of fear instead of love? And what kind of music do you like when you’re mad?
Oh, Mary, I hear you about feeling un/underappreciated, which I usually translate to unloved, even if that’s not true. You’re not alone.
When I’m mad, I have to listen to Staind. Always makes me feel better!
My favorite thing to listen to when I’m mad is opera! Weird, I know, but somehow the angst makes me feel like others have it worse.
I am highly motivated by recognition and praise, of course. I think we all are. What I strive and have been working on for years is to do what’s right or give the gift of my time, energy, love, care, etc. with no expectation of returns. It’s hard. But that litmus test of expectations usually reveals my true motive. Then I can discern whether this is something I really I want to do/need to do or if I have ulterior motives.
Opera totally makes sense. I mean, it’s not my cup of tea, but I hear what you’re saying! Expectations are a HUGE part of this issue – and you’re right, that does reveal exactly why we’re doing something.
I like to pretend that I don’t need approval. I think it stems from my teen angst years. I say things like “I don’t care what they say about me” or “You’ll like it because I did it” or, my most famous line ever “The party stops when I leave”. Whew. But in all that, I really, deep down, just want approval. I want to be that popular girl in school. I want my husband to tell my all the time how beautiful I am {which he does} and I really want to believe it {which I don’t}. And I have caught myself doing a lot of good deeds just for the praise. That’s something I’ve been working on lately. It’s a slow process, and it’s hard to not here “WHOA, Sarah, you are the wo-MAN!”, but it’s good for me in the being-like-Christ way.
And when I’m mad – it’s rock all the way. Nirvana, Pearl Jam. Smashing Pumpkins. You know, channeling my teen angst years.
Yep. We just crave that approval, that appreciation so much that we get sidetracked from the One who already DOES approve of and appreciate us. So much food for thought.
Obey is my One Word for 2012 too! So far… I’m pretty much sucking at it. :(
I can’t even say it’s a day-by-day process for me (with OBEY). It’s more like trying to make it minute by minute! Hang in there. We’ve only been working on it for a month!
I have the same trouble with wanting those words of affirmation too. When that is your love language, and the only person you see all day is a two-year-old…yea, not much affirmation happening there! I have to try to remind myself that even if I’m not getting the words I desire from my husband or kid, I have to look for the love they show in their own ways. We are all works in progress, right?
Yes, ma’am, I’m definitely a work in progress!
Oh, I hear ya! I feel the same way.
I hate those weigh-ins and I’ve had plenty of them. Just keep up the good work — it will pay off!
Thanks, Amanda. I know it’s how it goes – I was just hoping for a few big losses at the beginning to keep me going! :)
So maybe no weight loss this week, but all the good you did for your body isn’t wasted! (lower bp, training for your heart, lower cortisol levels….hey, I teach this stuff, I can’t help it.)
I know, I know. I do. I really do. (Protesting too much?) But I wanted to see a loss on the scale! And, for the record, I did this week. So, it all evens out. But I tell you what, in that moment, I was a mess!