If you were a Christian in the 90s, you undoubtedly remember the lyrics to the Michael W. Smith song, Friends Are Friends Forever. {In case you don’t know it, make sure you give it a listen. Enjoy the flashback to the 90s, checkered blazer and all!}
“Friends are friends forever when the Lord’s the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never ’cause the welcome will not end.”
Yeah…sometimes that’s true. Isn’t it? Sometimes.
I certainly have friendships that, even when years pass between visits, feel just as close and loving and fun and amazing when we finally see each other again. I have friends who I might not see for ages, but when we do get together, conversations flow easily, hugs aren’t awkward, and it seems like we said goodbye just the day before. And I have friends who have been my friends so long that they’re really more like family than friends and are firmly established on my short list of people I love unconditionally.
I have friends like that – and it’s something for which I’m incredibly grateful. A friend who knows me, understands me and all my craziness, and loves me anyway? Despite distance and time and season and stages? Having forever friends really is priceless.
But the truth is that I also have former friends.
People who used to be my friends but aren’t anymore. Some of those former friends were people I was certain would be a part of my life forever. Friends who were part of my wedding, friends who held me up during the most challenging seasons, friends I traveled with, friends I shared everything with, friends I prayed with. At one time in my life, I couldn’t imagine anything that would tear those friendships apart, and I couldn’t imagine going through life without them by my side and me by theirs.
Unfortunately, life isn’t a fairy tale, and friendship isn’t a Michael W. Smith song.
Some friendships end over disagreements, fights, betrayal. Some friendships are simply worn down over time spent ignoring differences and not quite seeing eye to eye.
Some friendships fade away when you no longer work together, work out together, worship together. Some friendships pull and strain and snap instead of stretch when one of your lives moves into a new season. Some friendships fall apart when one of you makes changes or decisions or both.
Some friendships are forged in darkness or stress or some kind of battle – and don’t stand up in the light or health or happiness. Some friendships simply don’t make the cut when schedules or lifestyles squeeze tight.
I’ve had – and lost – all of those types of friendships. And even when the mature part of me understands that seasons change, that people change, that LIFE changes…it still hurts. Even when I can say out loud that it was nobody’s fault, that it “just happened,” that we have no hard feelings…it still stings.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve had conversations with several women about this very thing. About how friendships change just like people change, and how that’s hard to accept. About how even when you know a friendship wasn’t healthy, you can still miss that friend fiercely. About how sometimes you can’t bear to say one more time, “It’s been so long! We should get together sometime!”
So what do we do? What do we do when friends aren’t friends forever?
Number one, I think we go back to our list – no matter how long or short it may be – of friends who ARE forever. Do you have one friend who has stuck with you through good times and bad? One friend who has kept in touch over years or miles or both? One friend whose life looks completely different than yours but works to find the common ground you now share? If you have even one of those friends, celebrate that!
Secondly, grieve the friendships that have ended. The death of a relationship is a real hurt, and your heartbreak over it is no small thing. Don’t pretend it’s no big deal; don’t ignore the pain that creeps up when you miss her. Grieve the loss of your friendship just as you would any other loss.
But then, after you’ve had time to heal, remember the good parts! Not in a melancholy, Puff Daddy “I’ll Be Missing You” sort of way, but in a thankful-it-happened, warm-memories way. And in a way that inspires you to pursue new friendships and nurture the ones you have today.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to talk about it. I think many of us feel that friendships that end are marks in the failure column, that lost friendships mean we’re not worthy of new friendships. That’s not true. It might be true that you (that I) made a mistake; we all do. But you’re not the only one who’s seen the end of a friendship. You’re not alone in feeling alone. You’re not the only one whose forever friends turned into former friends.
And – bonus tip! – make new friends. Sometimes we keep the old; sometimes we don’t. But keep making new friends. Keep opening your heart and your life. Keep seeking those friends who are forever, but cherish those who are here for just a season, too.
Have you ever experienced the end of a friendship? How do you cope with the seasons of friendship?
What friendship are you thankful for today?
Photos by Paul Hudson and m01229.
Um… I beg to differ. I grew up in the 90’s and I never heard that song (until the VeggieTales taught it to my little one!). So, um, we can’t be friends anymore.
Just kidding. I’ve actually experienced this a lot. I’m an introvert (aka I have extreme social anxiety) so in general I only tend to have one best friend and a small handful of acquaintances. Friendships with my bestie from high school/college and our couple-friend besties from the first five years or so of raising the little have both faded away—and the loss of those relationships breaks my heart.
I have ONE (yes, only one) lady now that I would call my best friend… but we haven’t worked together in over five years, and with distance and the busy-ness of life we only see each other a few times a year. But I still cling onto that friendship for dear life!
I’ve also had plenty of close acquaintances where the relationship went sour or simply faded out of existence. Man, why does life have to be so messy?
I’ve definitely felt that heartbreak, and have ranted against the messiness of life, too. Recently, as a matter of fact. :) So glad you still have that one best friend, though! What a blessing one true friend is!!
Love, love, love this! I could have written it myself with my experiences. I have one friend that has been with me since youth group. We’re in our early 40’s now. We’ve lived in different states and now live about 2 hours away from each other. We meet about once every 3 months to catch up in person. God has been so good to me to let me have a friend like Sarah.
On the other side, I’ve never really allowed myself to grieve the loss of 3 close friends 2 years ago. The 4 of us were close, and then, live just happened, things changed, and it became awkward. No fault to anyone, just things changed. I think I need to allow myself to grieve the change that happened.
Thank you for writing this!
I really do think the loss of a friendship can hurt as deeply as a romantic breakup or even a death. Praying you can grieve those friends you lost and move on to healthy friendships that minister to you right where you are!
The hardest thing is when one of your best friendships abruptly ends, and you have no idea why. No argument, no explanation, nothing–just a sudden refusal to return phone calls, a “we’ll see!” anytime you suggest getting together, and an abrupt move to a state halfway across the country without any goodbye (too much personal experience detail?). This happened over the space of three years, and obviously I’m still trying to move past it. Thanks for your post encouraging me to make new friends!
Ugh, Erin, that is so hard! I’m not sure which is worse – seeing a former friend who’s still around or never seeing that former friend again due to distance. Either way, it just hurts. And, please know that I’m writing to myself here, too. I have a broken friendship that ended a decade ago that I’m still not really over. I’m not sure I ever will be, to be honest!
I know this to be true of friendships, but I still don’t usually like it. :)
Me either. :) It’s a fact of life that makes me pout and stomp and generally act like my 7-year-old daughter when I tell her she can’t do something she wants.
I love this Mary. As I said in my tweet to you this is very on time in the aftermath of a severed friendship. I struggle with something though; you talked about that one or few friends that have remained faithful, withstood the miles, seasons etc. Well for me I wholeheartedly believed that about the above mentioned friendship. We were so very close. & I always considered her safe & often the voice of truth in my life, someone who would always direct me to God. Given my history of unsafe & abusive friendships because of my tendency to think that was all I was worth, I celebrated her as that “one friend” for almost 10 years…until all of a sudden she wasn’t. I guess I say all that to say that maybe even those friendships need to be held loosely before the Lord? That ultimately He’s the only constant friend we can always expect to depend on & who never allows anything to separate us? We can certainly be grateful but also realistic the when humans are involved, anything is possible if that makes sense? For me at least, this prevents the heartache from being debilitating when something like the above happen. I do love how you mentioned properly grieving the friendship. I’m not sure I’ve allowed myself to do that. Maybe because I don’t want to believe that it’s truly over? Or maybe the anger & disappointment is still raw? I don’t know but I have been surrendering all of the messiness to Jesus trusting that He will walk me through it & that joy will come in the morning. Thanks again for posting this. It was so very encouraging. Love in Christ.
Ayla, that’s a really good point. I did think of it – and I should’ve included it. Absolutely, every single human is fallible and potentially hurtful or disappointing. I’ve written about that before, about how no matter what, if we’re in community or relationship with people, we will hurt them and they will hurt us. I think what you said about holding all earthly friendships loosely and remembering that Christ is the One True Friend who will never abandon or hurt us is crucial for this conversation! Thank you for sharing both your heart and your wisdom!
Thanks Mary. I guess what struck me was that sometimes even that forever friend that you are so sure of spending forever with on Earth can become a former one in a blink of an eye. I love Job’s affirmation that God gives & God takes away. So maybe I can learn to be thankful for their unconditional love & friendship in the moment but understand that it may not last forever here. The wonderful, sweet comfort is this though; former friends become forever friends once again in glory & this time, truly forever.
I recently was deeply disappointed in someone who said we were more than friends we were sisters. After my mother passed away, a year ago, I didn’t even receive a sympathy card from her. It was at that point that I decided I was done wasting my time trying to pull her back into friendship. It’s been a year, a hard year for me to let this hurt go. I recently realized that I am grateful for the times we did have. The times we were close and the time we shared. And that will have to be enough. It was a small shift in perspective but I think it has helped me walk away from this friendship without holding onto bitterness. There is a saying that when you go through a crisis you find out who your friends are. That was true for me. Someone I didn’t feel like was that close to me drove two hours to be with me and sit with me beside the bedside of my mother as she passed. This painful awful time showed me who was true.
I’ve had several people close to me die, and I agree, Gayle – it is so meaningful when people are there at those times (or aren’t there). I can still tell you which friends drove several hours to be at my mother-in-law’s funeral 14 years ago. On a happier note, I think you’re wise to focus on gratitude for the times you had with your friend. I’m trying to do that with a couple relationships as well.
This post seriously could have sprung from my own mind! You say so many helpful things here. I have been thinking a lot lately about the friendships in my life that haven’t lasted and it has been making me sad. But one thing I have learned is that it’s important to feel that sadness for a while, not pretend it isn’t there, which is what I tried to do for a long time. It doesn’t work. But I like your advice about keeping your heart open to new friendships. I had an epiphany the other day when I realized that I hadn’t been doing that–I had been closing myself off to avoid being hurt. Thanks for the encouragement and the gentle reminder!
I’m so glad this was encouraging to you, Jennifer. I have definitely closed off myself at times, too – it’s easier to do than feeling the sadness and trying again, for sure!
The grief of lost friendship, a pain for which I’m well acquainted…. It’s so hard for me to move on, to forget, to extend grace. My head is willing but my heart is a stubborn rememberer.
Love this piece, Mary. It’s wise and encouraging.
Darn those stubborn hearts! :) Glad we’re in this together, friend.
This was very encouraging to read…. All of the comments of others as well. I have been going though this very same thing, the mourning of lost friends. At the same time, I have been trying to give thanks for the time that I was able to spend with friends in the past. There is a saying that goes that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or lifetime. I’m trying to remind myself that when God shuts one door, that he opens another. We just may be so distracted, that we miss it. I have been blessed to have one best friend for the last 39 years. She lives 2 hours away, so we only see each other 3 or 4 times a year, but it rejuvenates me every time we get together. I’ve had a handful of others friends that have come and gone, none that means as much to me as my best friend. So I try to remain grateful even though at times I find myself very lonely and feeling the need for more friends. I am a bit of an introvert, so it seems more challenging for me to make friends.
But true friendship can last forever. If those people are true friends, they may go away but they will still be your friends, especially if they’re family members in Christ.