A few weeks ago I invited friends over for dinner. It had been a while since we’d had anyone outside of family over, and it had been even longer since our house had been on the market. In other words I’d really let the house go.
I couldn’t tell you the last time I’d mopped a single floor, and the cat hair tufts were arm wrestling the dust bunnies for position under every piece of furniture in the place. And the list of all our plans for the yard and the front porch had spent the entire summer sitting untouched, just like the weeds that were taking over out there.
As I rushed around, using the Shauna Niequist strategy for last-minute cleaning (frying bacon and swiping all the sticky spots with baby wipes), my friend texted to say she was on the way. As I held my phone in my hands, I crafted a clever reply:
“Don’t be intimidated by our awesome landscaping
and housekeeping when you get here!”
Haha! I’m so funny. High-larious, really. Well, maybe I’m actually less hilarious than I am self-deprecating. But as often as I do it, I must think that line of jokes is funny. Really, though, when I say things like that and make fun of myself, I’m apologizing.
For not being a good enough housekeeper
For not being a good enough wife, mom, friend
For not being productive enough
For not being efficient enough
For not being able to do it all, to get it together
For not being enough
That day, just minutes before our friends knocked on our covered-with-fingerprints front door and walked into our less-than-sparkling living room, I didn’t send that witty text message. That day, I decided I was finished apologizing. I decided that I am enough. And my simple dinner in my cluttered house was enough, too.
Like a lot of women, I apologize all the time. Too much, really. I apologize for my house, for my kids, for my hair, for my weight, for my tears, for my jokes, for my habits and hobbies and hopes and goals. But am I really sorry for these things? Or am I embarrassed or insecure or afraid or a dozen more things that are not-sorry?
Am I sorry? No. Not really.
So for the next 31 days I’m going to write about a few things I’m not sorry about – and I’m not going to apologize for anymore. My goal is to publish a post every single day in October – but if I don’t? I’m not going to apologize for that either.
[Disclaimer: Obviously, I’m not completely opposed to apologies! When I make a mistake or hurt someone, I believe an apology is absolutely necessary and offering one is simply the right thing to do. This series will be about false or empty apologies, the times we utter, “I’m sorry” out of habit or insecurity, and the ways we believe and communicate that who we are is not enough, too much or otherwise wrong. That’s the kind of sorry I’m not!]
This writing challenge is part of a larger community. To learn more, to sign up for your own 31 Days challenge, or to find more 31 Days series to read, visit this site.
Sounds like a great topic! I don’t mop – ever! My mother is mortified and often mops when she comes to visit, but it simply isn’t worth the effort to me. On another note, I’m actually training and disciplining my 11-year-old son to use any response except, “Sorry,” when he is corrected. It’s too easy to use that as a quick fall-back, defensive move and avoid truly learning from the experience.
Like you, I believe a well-timed, truly intentioned apology heals relationships, but it’s a much overused tool. I look forward to reading everyday, or not!
I am so very tired of being sorry. I will definitely be following your 31 days!
I don’t apologize (mostly because we never manage to invite people over-something about 7 kids?) Anyway, I do stress clean and get really grouchy with my family because they are the mess makers that I cannot quite keep up with. I think having people over forces me to confront the ways that I have failed my own expectations but really what I need to be showing my kids is that even with a messy house, it is possible to be hospitable. (and as believers we are called to be in close fellowship with each other to build each other up)
My relatives I do tend to apologize to because they have made comments or gone to town cleaning my house to let me know they think that is important and that I need help. I know with the exception of one person that is not what they mean when they clean but it is the translation that gets broadcast to my head. I am trying to be less self centered about what my house says about me and focus on enjoying my friends and family. Why is it everything gets so messed up when the focus is on me? (nerves, anxiety stress, etc) It’s all about the heart and focus of our lives isn’t it.
Good for you Mary! Though I have to say that text was funny (& self deprecating – cuz I TOTALLY get it!) I love your topic for 31 days. I am looking forward to it! I also love that ad campaign by the same name, because it really points out how we, as woman, have learned to undercut ourselves.
Today I am not sorry for being sick yesterday and staying home from work and taking care of myself. I have chronic migraines and it is a series of daily headaches and pain accompanied by the devastating attacks of an actual migraine headache. An invisible illness that is misdiagnosed, misunderstood, and misused all the time…
It has taken me YEARS not to feel guilty about missing work and caring for myself.
I am not sorry that today I am sporting one of those oh so professional looking Kool patches on my forehead so that I can work. =)
Best, Lina
I’m really looking forward to reading these posts and hearing what you have to say on the subject! I think it will speak to a lot of women, including me!